FAQs

There are all sorts of preconceived notions about writers and I’m here to prove to you, unknowing reader, that they are all wrong.

Is it true that writers never leave their homes or go outside because they’re too busy writing?

That is entirely false! I went outside just this morning. I was on the roof, if you must know, receiving the news of the day via carrier pigeon.

Is it true that your bathroom walls are papered in rejection letters?

Why, of course not! Even the most dimwitted home-improvers among us know that wallpaper doesn’t stick well to bathroom walls because of shower steam. I paper my rejection letters on the bedroom and living room walls instead. Furthermore, the walls in these rooms are bigger than those in the bathroom, so I can practice working the rejection letters in collage art.

Is it true that you, like all writers, have a tumultuous love life?

Not at all! My 27 cats love me dearly.

Is it true that you spend all your time heavily intoxicated?

Hardly so! I only spend the evenings heavily intoxicated. I use that time to invite the booze muses over for dinner so they can divinely inspire me to write. They only really come out at night, you know. Other times I smoke bales of opium with Edgar Allen Poe. See how good the booze muses work their magic?

Is it true that you only make public appearances at coffee shops?

Well, now, that is true. You see, on occasion, I must drag my weary bones from the house to show myself at the local coffee shop. This is my way of scoping out the competition. I must let my fellow writers know that I have not given up on writing, and show them how diligent I am by typing quickly and smiling at my laptop screen in awe of my own brilliance. Sometimes I’ll even indulge the lesser writers and ask what they’re working on. I know they’re lying when they say it’s some assignment for school.The competition plays dirty.

Is it true that you live off of Ramen Noodles and the false encouragement of others?

Quite the contrary. I’m rather proficient at making microwave pizza rolls and ordering Chinese takeout. Really, you should come over for dinner sometime.

Is it true the DSM, the reference book of mental illnesses, was written based on case studies involving you?

No, no, no. Only the chapters on depression, narcissistic personality disorder, bipolar disorder, multiple personality disorder, schizophrenia, obsessive compulsive disorder, and substance abuse.

Is it true that you were once jailed overnight due to a bar fight caused by a disagreement over the Oxford Comma?

The cheeky bastard didn’t understand my example about JFK and Stalin being strippers!

Is it true that you cry every time you see a typo?

Yes. In fact, I’ve cried so much over the years that my tear ducts are experiencing a drought. Since I can no longer cry over my loss of faith in humanity, I usually take out a Sharpie and fix the errors where possible. I’ve only gotten a few vandalism charges for doing so. The cop always increases the fine when I start thumping my copy of Civil Disobedience as I recite passages.

Is it true that being a brilliant writer renders you completely inept at math?

What a ridiculous question. Like most normal people, I do math on a daily basis. Sometimes I do such complex equations that I have to count on my fingers and toes.

Is it true that you enjoy telling everyone what a tortured, misunderstood artist you are?

I most certainly do not. Telling everyone would be quite a feat. I usually only tell my family, friends, neighborhoods, Twitter followers, people at the bus stop, people in line at the grocery store, people I meet in the library (whispered, of course), people at my high school reunion that I haven’t seen in decades, the homeless men by the water fountain, and my 27 cats. That’s all!

I hope these FAQs have been beneficial in helping you dispel any preconceived notions you have about writers.

However, if any burning questions remain, comment below and I’ll put your weary mind to rest.

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