Grumble, Grumble, Book Jacket

[Insert grumbling noises here]

Whoever came up with the bright idea of compressing 50,000+ words into a less-than-300-words book jacket got down on writers like the economy got down on America. Writing your own book jacket is hard! If you don’t believe me, just keep reading…

Your book jacket is the first thing a potential reader will read, so it’s got to be good. No, not good, EPIC. I wanted epic, so I began with this mindset.

In a world where…

Nope. No. Sounds like a D-list action movie. Scratch that.

One man stands alone against the tide of…

Too campy. Since when am I writing a screenplay for a low budget film? Scratch that, too.

Tormented by his past and fearing for his future, White Elephant’s nameless octogenarian narrator…

Okay, okay, we’re getting there… Still a little campy and vague, though.

Tormented by memories of his military service in the Korean War and fearing for his future as his children wish to place him in a nursing home, White Elephant’s nameless octogenarian narrator must…

Must what?! There’s a lot of stuff my narrator does. Over 57,000 words worth of stuff! How do I choose?!

…must confront his own previously denied weaknesses and failing mental state.

Eh. Kind of lackluster. That doesn’t make me want to read my novel and I wrote the damn thing. Let’s see if I can redeem it…

From his dementia-riddled mind to his obsession with his firearm, he now fights to remember the secrets of his past that he toiled to forget for over half a century before.

Man, those are long sentences! Reading them aloud is like training for a breathing marathon. Remember Hemingway’s advice, remember Hemingway’s advice…

Tormented by memories of the Korean War and fearing his future living in a nursing home, White Elephant’s octogenarian narrator must confront his weaknesses and failing mental state. His mind, now riddled with dementia, forces him to fight to retain the secret memories that he spent over half a century trying to forget….

Well, hand me some butter because I’m on a roll!

… Set over the course of the eighteen hours before his death, the nameless narrator sees the world through the barrel of his loaded firearm, which he is never without. He revels quietly in his hidden fears while offering sardonic social commentary. Told mostly in flashbacks to the Korean War, White Elephant is a dark comedy that explores the depth of human emotion, even where there appears to be none.

And by “I’m on a roll,” I mean that each sentence took less than 30 minutes to write and a had a drink between each one. Gotta love productivity, right?

And all together now!

Tormented by his memories of the Korean War and fearing his future living in a nursing home, White Elephant’s octogenarian narrator must confront his weaknesses and failing mental state. His mind, now riddled with dementia, forces him to fight to retain the secret memories that he spent over half a century trying to forget. Set over the course of the eighteen hours before his death, the novel follows the nameless narrator who sees the world through the barrel of his loaded firearm, which he is never without. Told predominantly in flashbacks to the Korean War and with sardonic social commentary, White Elephant is a dark comedy that explores the depth of human emotion, even where there appears to be none.

Okay, so I had to tidy up the last two sentences a bit, but after spending half a day writing a single paragraph, I’m calling it quits. I’ve got a date with Elton John and Chinese take out because that’s just my lifestyle.

Got comments, concerns, or colloquialisms? Let me know what you think in the comments below.

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